Loss. Goodbye. End.
Three words that mean the same thing in different contexts. One of my favorite movie quotes is, “I'm tired of living without really living. I'm tired of wanting things. We can't have a lot of things. But we could have this,” from Five Feet Apart.
When you lose something that once brought light, hope, and the feeling of being alive in a moment, or even for a decade, especially when that time was filled with stress, anxiety, and hopelessness, the pain settles in. Fear follows because you don’t know if you’ll ever overcome it. The arms of sorrow wrap around you and refuse to let go. It feels like everything you held onto has shattered like glass against the rock forming in your throat. You can’t cry in front of the people around you.
They wouldn’t understand.
So you sit alone, holding it in until you finally find a space where no one can see you, and you let the tears fall however they may need to. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that grief affects us all differently. Some of us find a way through it. Others become versions of ourselves who pray to wake up to a day where feeling nothing seems easier than letting the grief win.
I’m in a season of grief right now. People have reached out and offered a shoulder. Someday I’ll accept.
Today is not that day.
I’ll be okay. I’ve weathered dark storms before, some that nearly broke me. I just have to forget that what once saved me from those fractures is what’s breaking me all over again. We’re never given more than we can handle. I just wish God didn’t have so much faith in my ability to handle this anymore. I’m tired.
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