Earlier this year when I was drafting the last draft of my memoir about my time as a military spouse, I realized that in just a span of a 43 years, I have Iived what has felt like 43 lifetimes. As someone who has big feelings, sometimes bigger than most people can handle, it doesn't surprise me to feel this way. As have most people, I've experienced happiness, love, and unimaginable loss. My story is only different from everyone else's because of the situations, not the feelings.
My birthday has never been about celebrating that I was born. At least not for me. I celebrate my birthday each year because it's another year that I've managed to survive. And this year, well, it asked a lot of me.
It was defined by finally stepping into something that’s been in the works for over 30 years. Teaching. A dream that never really left, even when life looked completely different than I thought it would. I'll be honest with you, it was harder than I expected. Not because I didn’t want it, but because I found myself butting heads with so much of what I was being taught. As a mom, as someone who has lived life a certain way, and as someone educated in a completely different era, learning to do things the “new way” was frustrating in a way I didn’t see coming.
This is where the growth came into play. Old me would have fought it every step of the way, or worse...quit. Instead, I learned how to compromise without losing myself. I learned how to adjust without fighting everything along the way. And that growth didn’t feel neat or inspiring. It felt uncomfortable and exhausting. But it was important.
This year wasn’t just a year of growth. It was a year of honesty. With those I love, and more importantly with myself. I had to step back, away from the noise and reflect on where I wanted to go in a number of different areas of my life. In some ways, I had to face the harsh realities of some truths and decide between what to let go of, and what to keep fighting for.
I had to admit that I’m not the same person I was when I got married 20 years ago. And I had to face the fact that I’m tired. Tired of carrying expectations that were never really mine. Tired of pretending that I don’t think about my own happiness. For 18 years, I was a military spouse. I showed up. I did what needed to be done. I kept going, even when I was barely keeping my head above water. And now, even in this season, I’m still making choices for everyone else.
I’m living in a place I wouldn’t have chosen for myself, and that’s been something I’ve had to come to terms with. But I chose it because I wanted stability for my kids. I wanted them to have consistency, and that mattered more to me than anything else. I wanted my husband (who served 21 years in the military, far away from his family) to be able to spend time with his family. There’s still weight in this decision. But it’s weight I chose to carry. It doesn't make it any easier.
This year made me realize that two things can be true at the same time. You can love your life and still want parts of it to look different. You can choose your family and still wonder what choosing yourself might feel like. And that doesn’t make you selfish. It makes you human.
Looking Ahead To 43:
The next year has some really exciting things happening, and it’s set to be another full year. But using what I’ve learned this past year, I’ll be doing a little more for me while still living in the moment with and for my kids. Part of letting them go as they get older is stepping back and letting them make mistakes. It doesn’t mean I won’t be right there to comfort them when they trip, but I’ve learned that I need to let go of their hands a little more.
In doing this, and in an effort to not have my life feel empty after living for my kids for the last 16 years, I have a couple of trips planned before 44. One is a solo trip to a place I’ve never been, and the other is a trip with my daughter, who I just realized will be 17 by then…what? To a country I’ve never been. I’ll officially be a licensed teacher after 15 weeks of student teaching this fall. And maybe I’ll have figured out what I want to do moving forward with my writing.
Question For You:
Are you allowing yourself to live your life as it is right now… or are you still waiting for something to change first?
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